Annual Review 2021
Annual Review 2021
This year, I was fortunate enough to read various books that helped redefine my preconceived notions and perceptions of self. Of all the books I read to better equip me with the tools I need to become the person I desire to be, perhaps the most formative was James Clear's "Atomic Habits." A text designed to give its readers a catalog of systems to shatter unhealthy habits and reinforce better ones, it has helped me better shape the course of my life by taking more direct control of its moment-by-moment choices and challenges.
One such exercise proposed in the book is the "Annual Review," a process by which one can reflect upon the year that has passed and evaluate whether the net weight of decisions made aligns with current expectations and future projections. It is a way of checking in with yourself and holding space for accountability. Without judgment but with discernment, ask yourself, are you acting in ways that support you in living the life you want to live?
But James also clarifies that the Annual Review is a profoundly personal self-evaluation. It is not about comparing yourself or your achievements against others you know or the world at large. Instead, it is a system to judge your own metrics, values, and what is important to you in terms of your own life experience.
Being that we've now entered the New Year, I felt it was only fitting to put some time and effort into my own Annual Review and to make it public for all to see. If not to inspire someone out there to hold the lens of truth up to themselves, then at least speak these truths into reality for me. Also, to have receipts on my own development for all the newest versions of myself to keep stock of.
The three questions James outlines for the Annual Review are as follows:
What went well this year?
What didn't go so well this year?
What am I working toward?
These questions are a solid and reliable framework. Still, I feel as though for myself, I require a bit more structure or delineation within these categories to help me conceptualize my progress. As such, I will be breaking these three questions down across 5 Categories, or "Values," which I will extrapolate below.
The idea of "Values" is borrowed from another valuable work I read this year, "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck" by Mark Manson (which I wrote a previous book review on, more on that later). In said book, Mark talks about how important it is for us to have a sense of what our Values are (those things in life in which we prioritize and hold meaning or significance for us) and ensure that the Values we have are constructive and healthy.
To put things into perceptive, "Good" Values are:
Reality-Based
Socially Constructive
Immediate and Controllable
Examples: Honesty, Innovation, Vulnerability, Self-Respect
"Bad Values" are the opposite:
Superstitious
Socially Constructive
Not Immediate nor within our Control
Examples: Dominance, Popularity, Extravagant Wealth, Wanton Lust
A large part of this year was taking the time to make sense of my Values and the parameters by which I choose to judge myself and guide my decisions. By way of a sort of convoluted process (which makes sense to me, and that is ultimately what matters), I've developed my 5 Values out of the combined teachings of three different sources, ranging from the philosophical, metaphysical, and (much to Mark's chagrin, I wager) the Magickal. Of course, I am fully aware that Magick and Superstition are directly at odds with one another in the most literal sense. Still, as a person who has found a great deal of comfort and self-discovery within occult texts, for the purposes of my personally-constructed value system, they cannot be omitted. So that's my personal concession to this framework.
Without delving too deeply into the lengths of these sources (as they all warrant their own individual write-ups and will have them, eventually), I have been primarily studying from these sources:
Stoic Philosophy by way of Seneca, Marcus Aurelias, and the like ("How to Be a Stoic," Massimo Pigliucci & Gregory Lopez), Spirituality & Mindfulness ("The Four Agreements," Don Miguel Ruiz), and various Magickal texts centered mainly around Wiccan and Druidic teachings.
Each of these three tomes provides a set of tenants that practitioners can use to improve their self-knowledge, awareness, and interactions with the world at large. In my own observations, I have found links between them that grow upon one another, like themes.
For the Stoics, there are the "4" Stoic Virtues:
Justice: The capacity to treat others fairly and kindly.
Temperance: Self-Discipline, to resist what is outside your control.
(Practical) Wisdom: To understand what is truly "good" or "bad."
Courage: Acting well despite aversions to external stimulus.
Accordance: Not resisting the natural locomotion of life experience.
Why say "4", then quote "5"? Technically, most Stoic texts only quote 4 Virtues. Still, I've seen a few sources place particular emphasis on another prevalent Stoic mantra, to "live in harmony with the universe." This jumped out at me as necessary enough to include within my Value system, so I've adopted it for my own purposes as a 5th Virtue, so to speak.
For the Four Agreements (and its sequel, "The Fifth Agreement"), we have):
Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity.
Say only what you mean.
Avoid speaking poorly of yourself or about others.
Use your word to promote truth and love.
Don't Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you.
What others say or do is a projection of their own reality.
Realizing this frees you of victimhood and needless suffering.
Don't Make Assumptions
Ask questions, and express that which you desire.
Communicate your feelings to avoid confusion and drama.
Always Do Your Best
Your best will change from moment to moment; honor that.
If you always try your hardest, you live without regret.
Be Skeptical, but Learn to Listen
Do not blindly believe yourself or anyone else.
Consider every possibility of the truth.
Listen to the intent behind words, and you will know the meaning.
Finally, we come to the Magickal teachings. In truth, it would be impossible to account for every central ideology across all Paths, Circles, Lodges, Covens, Groves, and countless groups unnamed. But in most Earth-based Religio-Magickal practices, one concept permeates most schools of thought; the Four Elements and their Fifth unifying force.
All of the Elements represent their natural manifestation within our physical plane of existence and less tangible aspects of humanity and parts of our composition as living, breathing beings.
Air: Associated with wind, weather, storms, clouds, vapors, and fog... Air is also the Element responsible for our mental acuity, analytical and rational thought, intellectual power, and communication ability (often through word, but also through other mediums). It is typically associated with the Suit of Swords in the Tarot, whose Cards detail themes of the mind.
Earth: Linked to mountains, hills, stones, soil, roots, and forests... the Element of Earth is a reflection of our physical reality and how we exist in it. This means things like the flesh and bones of our bodies and the things we build, such as our homes and tools, and how we come into owning these crafted possessions, such as currency and the work we do to accumulate it. In the Tarot, it is the Suit of Pentacles, which often speaks of jobs and money.
Water: Tied to oceans, rivers, lakes, ponds, cleansing rain, and waterfalls... the Element of Water symbolizes our deepest, innermost emotional world, the intuitive space where our feelings reside, form, express themselves, and flow into and around the heart spaces of those around us and that we care about. In the Tarot, it is the Suit of Cups, which usually portends love and desire.
Fire: Bound to bonfires, wildfires, hearth fires, smoldering embers, and the burning Sun above us... the Element of Fire speaks of passion, drive, impulse, instinct, inspiration, activity, and action. It is the furnace by which the engine of our mortal vessel is powered. In the Tarot, it is mainly attributed to the Suit of Wands, which commonly deals with themes of ambition, progress, and zeal.
Spirit: Called by many different names throughout various traditions; Akasha, Ether, and Quintessence (among others)... "Spirit" is the least perceptible but most fundamental force in our Universe. This "energetic material" fills the region beyond and between the celestial and material spheres; this is what divine sparks and souls are forged from. It is within and without all known and unknown things; infinite, boundless, formless yet indestructible. Some harken it to the archetypical energies of the Major Arcana in the Tarot.
As you you've likely by now noticed, each of the three groups branches off into 5 distinct "departments," if you will. In my mind, and for the purposes of this exercise and for defining the parameters of my personal Value System, I will link these separate subgroups together to form overarching "principles" to operate under:
The Principle of Air: Be Impeccable with Your Word (Justice)
Being that the Suit of Swords and the Element of Air is so concerned with communication and understanding, it seems an obvious and natural choice to pair it with the First Agreement, which revolves entirely around the power and use of your Word. I also find it a happy coincidence that the "Justice" Card in the Tarot is associated with Libra, thus the Elemental Energies of Air. While any work I do that aligns with language (such as scribing and reading) houses itself within this Principle, the primary focus is spoken and transmitted. Did I tell my truth? Was my truth conveyed in such a way that didn't harm others? Are the words I say to myself equally kind and fair?
The Principle of Earth: Don't Take Anything Personally (Temperance)
The overall message behind the Stoic Virtue of Temperance is about self-discipline and self-control, to experience everything in careful moderation (also handy for finances). This, for me, thematically resonates with the classical Element of Earth, a structured, grounding, and reasonable force (Pentacle = Finances). This bleeds over into the Second Agreement, "Don't Take Anything Personally." To keep our inner peace, we must not let the chaos of the world around us or the actions of those outside ourselves overly influence or undermine us. Such understanding of what is and is not our concern further reinforces Temperance's message regarding the Second Agreement.
The Principle of Water: Don't Make Assumptions (Wisdom)
In the Element of Water, we're dealing with topics that speak to our emotional centers and the more sensitive Nature of our person. Therefore, any endeavor that pertains to matters of the heart will be bundled here. As the Third Agreement speaks not only to directly and honestly expressing one's feelings but also to inquire about the feelings of others to avoid heartache, it made sense to attribute it to Water. The Stoic Virtue of Wisdom explores our ability to discern whether the qualities a person (including yourself) demonstrates are healthy and worthwhile and how those qualities affect ourselves or others. We can see how this insight relates to the Third Agreement and the emotional integrity of a given person.
The Principle of Fire: Always Do Your Best (Courage)
This triplicate has the most apparent synergies and correspondencies, in my eyes. As fire represents our burning ambitions, personal drives, and willingness to push forward and achieve, it naturally lends itself to the achievement-focused adage of the Fourth Agreement, 'Always Do Your Best.' One cannot put their best foot forward in any endeavor if not filled with the purpose and desire to do so. Moreover, it also plays into the Stoic Virtue of Courage. The Element of fire is frequently associated with metaphysical symbols of strength, perseverance, response to a challenge, and other warrior-like attributes of our persons. All of this is synonymous with what is related to classic interpretations of bravery and courage.
The Principle of Spirit: Be Skeptical, but Learn to Listen (Accordance)
Perhaps the most abstract of the associations between these three schools of thought, in no small part because of the all-at-once wholly-encompassing and utterly amorphous Nature of "Spirit." Spirit communicates with us at levels beyond our ordinary perception and interactivity with the world. It requires us to be open to symbolism, suggestion, subtle energies, coincidences, patterns, and other less direct forms of conveyance. In this way, we must 'Learn to Listen,' as the Fifth Agreement, and 'Be Skeptical'; question our own interpretations of events, ruminate, and never take anything at face value. Spirit asks us to act in Accordance, or rather 'Non-Resistance,' to life's natural flow and progression. When we work in total harmony with what unfolds in our life experience, without opposition, we allow Spirit to guide us in full alignment with our True Will and Highest Good.
So now that we have the basis for 5 archetypical Principles or "categories," I can use them to define and order various life events that have transpired in my life within the past year (give or take) so that they may be appropriately evaluated and quantified. This brings us back to our three main questions to outline said events:
What went well this year?
What didn't go so well this year?
What am I working toward?
Without further ado, let's get into the Main Event!
My 2021 Annual Review (with a little sliver of 2022, to boot)
> What Went Well This Year?
The Principle of Air
I Read a Ton of Books. Ever since the major lockdowns that followed the onset of the pandemic, I've been on a bit of a self-discovery and personal development kick. My largest resource for the various types of improvements I've been trying to make on myself has come from a wide array of manuals on different subjects I felt needed enhancement in my life. From everything to mindset and productivity (such as James Clear's Atomic Habits, which is the foundation for this article), love & relationships, finances, and spirituality... I believe I've read over a dozen books this year, which aligns with the one-a-month goal I set for myself initially. I still have a bunch sitting around that were preemptively purchased out of interest, but I'll be getting on to them soon enough. The sense of accomplishment I feel when I finish a book that I think has genuinely benefitted me or positively impacted my thinking is a feeling I had forgotten about from my youth that I am delighted to reconnect with in adulthood.
I Began Journaling. Journaling is always something I've struggled to do consistently, especially when urged to scribble on for multiple pages by certain source texts (Looking at you, The Artist's Way). But I realized this year that just because you are sold a particular workflow or methodology doesn't mean you have to be married to it or that it's the only way to succeed at it. By combining traditional stream-of-consciousness journaling prompts with affirmations, repeated mantras, and creating reviews and evaluations of my daily activities, I have been able to form my own system that feels both constructive, manageable, and sustainable. Of course, there will always be days when putting my pen to the paper feels like a chore... but overcoming that initial resistance is all part of the exercise that helps build mental fortitude and consistency.
I Chose My Words Carefully. I have made it a conscious effort to be mindful of the words I say to myself and others. Understanding that the words I speak, either externally or internally, have repercussions and effects on the world within and around me has led me to always communicate with positive intent in the best-case scenarios and neutral intent in all others. When engaging in harmful or negative self-talk, I recognize that I have control over this inner dialogue and do my best to reverse the flow or disrupt the rambling. When speaking to or about others, I do everything within my power to withhold judgments and approach difficult conversations from a place of observation and compassion. I don't always get it right (Who does? We're only human, and we must give ourselves grace in our moments of failure)... but I recognize my hard work in this area and the improvements I've made these past 12 months.
The Principle of Earth
I'm Back in the Gym. I've wavered in and out of a regular exercise routine over the years, but 2021 was the year I decided to tackle my physical fitness goals more seriously and come equipped with a game plan. I am regularly in an exercise hall about 6 days a week, all before the early morning hour of 8 Am. I keep a detailed notebook of the various lifts I'm doing, the machines I'm using, tracking the weight I'm pushing, and the reps I'm putting in. In addition, I have a pre and post-workout supplement regimen. If I'm doing the math correctly, I am spending roughly 150 combined minutes of cardio per week alongside 250 minutes of joint lifting time per week, totaling 400 minutes a week overall. In addition, I've changed a good deal of my eating habits... significantly increasing my water intake and removing all meat products from home (though I'll still partake when I'm out). I also have a morning and nightly skincare routine, which I've actually come to enjoy a great deal. Overall, I'm treating my body better than I ever have before.
I Have a New Job. After spending almost a decade in a rather unfulfilling and stressful work environment whose complications only amplified tenfold after returning to work during the pandemic, I have made the escape from retail and joined the realm of tech support. It took a global crisis and some interpersonal drama to motivate me to make this gigantic shift in my life. Although I can't necessarily say the move has been an easier one, I truly believe it was the right risk and worth taking. As an entry-level employee, I was already making more money than I was after about 9 years in service to my previous employer, and that's not counting the additional raise I got a month back. Even though I was part-time at my other gig, after crunching the numbers, even if I worked full-time after all those years... I still wouldn't be making as much as I do now. That's crazy to me. It really is a testament to what a company can do for its people if it cares. I'm also working remotely now, which is its own blessing. The job is more challenging, and I feel very drained many days after my 8 hours (I've not yet gotten into the swing of work-from-home-life-balance), but I am very grateful for it all the same. Mainly because this job is enabling the next item on this list...
I'm Getting My Own Apartment. This update is... honestly surreal to me. Full transparency; I am 32 years old, and I have never lived alone. Not in college, not when I lived in Pittsburgh, not ever. I have never known what it's like to have a place feel well and truly mine. I've been lucky with the apartments I've ended up in and the people I've roomed with, no doubt about that... but there was always a sense of transcience to them, impermanence. It was the looming idea that I was just a visitor and couldn't quite express myself in the spaces I regularly existed. This was mostly my self-inflicted view, mind you, but one that altered my reality all the same. With the financial freedom I've been afforded with this new job, I have taken more control of my budget and monetary situation. And although taking a one-bedroom in New York City will ultimately put a considerable dent in these expanded earnings... I can't help but feel that the lack of spending power per month will pale compared to the self-sovereignty I will possess by having a place all my own, to myself (well, plus my cat). It feels like opening up to a whole new, long-overdue chapter in my young adulthood, and I am excited to greet it head-on.
The Principle of Water
I Found Love! And then subsequently lost it a few months later, haha. Felt like you got whiplash in those last two sentences? Imagine how I felt, oof. But why add this bitter-sweet development in the 'What Went Well This Year' section, you may ask? Well, for two reasons, essentially: 1.) Through this experience, I learned that I actually could love again. Not that I ever believed I was incapable of it by any means, and certainly always pictured myself with a loving partner on a long-enough timeline... but after almost ten years dating in New York City, and even longer than that since having an official "relationship" of any discernible kind; I'd kind of lost the sense of what it felt like to be in love. The innocence of it, the purity of it, the child-like wonder that's associated with it. The selflessness, the tenderness, the compassion. It put me back in touch with emotional spaces that had been left inert within me for a long time. And as painful as it was to lose that connection almost as swiftly as I gained it, knowing that those feelings are still there and accessible to me when the time is right is precious and essential. And 2.) The events that transpired during our time together taught me so much about what I want out of my relationships and what behavior I will and won't accept from partners in the future. With as much beauty that came with this partnership, equal parts complications arose. And perhaps it was because it had been so long that I felt so deeply for someone… I was quick to make personal sacrifices, compromise on my wants, needs, and desires, and tolerate unequal investment in the relationship. This knowledge, while gained out of trial and tribulation, is invaluable to me now. I have such a clearer picture of what I require of a love interest moving forward, and I have been inspired to read so many books on subjects like attachment theory, love languages, and relationship maintenance that put me in a better position to succeed when the right person enters my life. The lessons were hard-taught, but I am thankful for them (I should clarify; there’s no bad blood between us. And I hope they know that).
I'm Back in Therapy. Semi-regularly, at least. The changing of health care providers when shifting jobs made a radical difference in my cost-per-session, so right now, I have to slow down my meetings to once a month until I can find a practitioner who is better suited to my current plan (especially when my purse strings tighten up even more after the move). Still, having irregular attendance is better than having no attendance at all; and it feels refreshing to have a space where I can freely communicate my feelings without fear of critique, shame, or guilt. I am a person who, while generally open about my feelings if asked, has a tendency to retreat inwards and self-isolate... especially when things get rough. It makes it difficult sometimes to even reach out to friends or family members who could otherwise serve as a support system. Having a therapist to be able to rely on when those dark nights of the soul creep up allows me to release those heavy thoughts & emotions, have them validated, and express them without the pressure that I'm overburdening others. It is both cleansing and healing.
I've Committed to Meditating. Part of this self-discovery and improvement journey I referenced earlier has not only manifested by way of copious reading but also routine betterment practices. Journaling and hitting the gym in the morning are two of those methods, and regular meditation is yet another. For anyone who has attempted to make this a part of their day-to-day, you know how inexplicably difficult it is to make time to just... sit there. It's only 10 or 15 minutes, but there are times when I feel such an intense aversion to settling in and shutting off my mind. But it's usually in those same struggling moments that I remind myself I likely need that stillness the most. I try to make it easier on myself those days... instead of being seated in the silence of my room, perhaps I'll treat myself to a recording of affirmations. Or a guided meditation when I really want to go on auto-pilot. The overall message I'm trying to make is this; I know people wrestle with meditation, especially ones with overactive imaginations and full-speed brains. I'm one of them. But there are so many avenues to take the pressure off of the practice and simply "be" with it. It's hard to believe, but there's no "wrong way" to meditate. Releasing yourself of that absurd notion is probably the biggest first step you can make toward integrating into your life. And it is worth it if, even for the brief moments of peace, you award yourself in an otherwise unsettled world.
The Principle of Fire
I'm a Morning Person Now. For those of you who have known me for years, this will no doubt come as quite a shock to you. The same guy who would stay up till 3 in the morning and then flop out of bed at noon (or later) now has an alarm (or three) set to go off before the Sun rises. As wild as this sounds to even me, given my track record with sleep... it's true. Most weekday mornings, I kick into high gear around 5am and get a jump start on my day. Why this very drastic change in my years-long habitual rest pattern? Mostly, it has to do with my new job. Because I worked retail, with irregular hours and an inconsistent schedule, I would often volunteer myself to take night shifts, not clocking out till around 10pm or later. But since becoming full-time in my new position, with a regular schedule and predictable hours, it became evident early on that rolling out of bed by 8am just to log in at 9 and work for the night 8 hours straight felt... awful. Like I had no autonomy or time to myself. Just a robot recharging to get cracking on the next shift when I woke up. I needed time to myself, to reset to take ownership of my day, and do some things for myself before offering up a time to my corporate overlords. Thus, I started hitting the hay at 9pm and building out a whole day plan before I even clocked in. I won't lie to you... it takes a lot of willpower somedays, and it's not uncommon for me to wander around with dark circles under my eyes in the ensuing hours, but the contentment it grants me while the world still sleeps is hard to give up.
I'm Taking Myself on Artist Dates. For those familiar with The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron, you'll already be well-accustomed to the concept of the Artist Date. For those who never cracked open that insightful (and demanding) tome of creative inspiration, an Artist Date is essentially a chunk of time you designate for yourself (and only yourself, no company allowed) that allows you to dabble in a creative interest or hobby, play, explore, or otherwise engage in activities that are replenishing and invigorating to you. I've always said that for as long as I've lived in New York, I feel like I've yet to see and experience all that it has to offer. I've made it a point to start reversing that complacency and treating myself to an array of delights that this madcap city gives me access to. I've started seeing Live Theatre again, watching classic movies at the Film Forum, going to late-night dance events across Brooklyn, checking out museums, trying new restaurants and coffee shops, and taking classes on topics that pique my interest (I think archery is next). Even if there is no discernible rhyme or reason to these events, they are a means by which to enrich one's life experience and discover new ways to rekindle that lust for adventure that can be lost when the shadow of practical existence looms over us for too long.
I'm Reinvesting in my Creative Outlets. It's taken a long time to unpack this truth about myself, but during my young adulthood, as I was developing my artistic sense of self in my collegiate years, I suffered somewhat of an artistic wound. It led me down a negative spiral of sorts; bouts of depression, destructive behavior, loss of self-esteem, and most importantly... a degradation of my motivation and belief in my talents and capabilities in the realm of performance and creation. After some heart-wrenching therapy sessions, countless pages of journaling, and hours of introspection; I can say with confidence that I am moving into a place where I want to leave that pain behind, learn how to alchemize what it has demonstrated to me, and use it to move forward and activate a newly-empowered creative life. As such, I've been allowing myself to experiment with various portals to artistry with less anxiety... I'm teaching myself guitar, writing more frequently, pursuing independent voiceover ventures, and developing a few personal projects that will debut in 2022 (fingers crossed). I hope you'll be there to celebrate my victories with me and help me laugh off my missteps... I'm sure there will be more than a few, haha.
The Principle of Spirit
I Believe in Myself Again. The fact that I'm even sitting here writing an entire Annual Review, which was inspired by a Self Help book, which I wouldn't have even known about had I not been actively researching and pursuing knowledge pertaining to tools for self-actualization, is such a testament to this radical shift in self-perception I've had this past year (and in truth, maybe a few years prior). I used to have a very skeptical and disempowered view of myself... one that took joy and comfort in a sort of personal nihilism that freed me from the daunting task of having to love or respect myself. A sort of self-deprecation that gave me just enough distance to freely abandon higher hopes and ambition. But now, without vanity or pridefulness, can I say with my full chest that I love myself. I value myself. I cherish myself. I see and feel my own Divine Nature, and I am so happy to be learning how to live up to that potential more and more each and every day. I am love, and I deserve love. I am intrinsically Good. I am Worthy, I am valuable, I am Enough. I am all these things and more... and I can't wait to see where this weird road takes me next.
I Take Personal Responsibility. One of the most powerful pieces of wisdom I picked up this year was the realization that no matter what happens in your life, even if what transpired isn't necessarily your FAULT, it is still your RESPONSIBILITY to respond to it and handle it in a constructive way. If we want to take this a step further into metaphysical schools of thought (which you know I love to do), and if we also accept the fact that our thoughts and feelings create the realities and given circumstances around us; then we must also come to grips with the fact that even some of the most far-flung hardships that weasel their way into our life experience are a direct result of the energy we're projecting out into the Universe. So in a way, we are even more responsible for the difficulties we encounter because, very likely, we are the origin point of their existence. Accepting this fact, although incredibly frustrating at times, is also simultaneously so empowering. Whenever I come up against a situation that I feel like I'm battling against, I simply have to remind myself that it is no one's responsibility but mine, and I very likely had something to do with it. As such, I am the only person who is capable of ultimately resolving it and must expend the necessary energy and resources to do so. It is madness to fight against reality, and the only thing that can deliver you into sanity is accountability and congruent action.
I Have a Spiritual Practice. I am a person who never grew up with a strong connection to any well-established organized religion. From a very early age, when in churches or other places of worship, I could hear and feel the tangible contradictions that existed between the sermons and the actions of those who revered and delivered them (that's not to say there isn't value in religious orders, and I strongly believe in everyone's right to pray how they choose to -- but I think we must also recognize the corruption and weaponization of those practices when present, as the reality does exist). Furthermore, I grew up alongside peers whose belief systems were founded purely on rational, logical, evidence-based, observable, scientific facts. This I am very grateful for, as by and large I am also of the mind that such actualities cannot be ignored and essential to recognize... but these same stringent views also leave little room for discussion about the aspects of our Universe that are currently unexplainable. It meant a lot of magic and wonder was drained from the world, that there was little room to romanticize the unspoken parts of existence. Over the past couple of years, and more so in the year prior, I've built the foundations of a solitary personal practice that provides me with inner nourishment and a curiosity for life that was noticeably lacking before. The very idea that I have Value Systems at all to quantify and evaluate my character and the evolution of my human experience would not exist without this practice, and I can't imagine knowing how to roadmap my life without it now.
So if those are all of the things I felt were highlights of this past year into 2022, what do I feel like would use a bit of improvement?
> What Could Have Gone Better?
The Principle of Air
I Was Not Always Impeccable. The main takeaway for me from the First Agreement, "Be Impeccable With Your Word," as it correlates to the Stoic Value of Justice, is that when you are put in a difficult situation in which you need to earnestly speak your truth to someone, that saying the hard things (while painful at the time) ultimately honors you both. And while there are definitely moments that I can recall from the past year in which I dug deep and said what I needed to be said in order to serve myself and the moment... I can think of an equal number of times that perhaps I delivered by words too harshly, or worse, neglected to say words necessary to the benefit of another person out of my own fear and aversion to conflict or tension. This is a flaw of my character I'm more aware of now... my tendency to avoid discussion rather than engage in it if I feel like it may lead to bad blood or discourse. That's something I hope to improve in the New Year.
I Read, But I Didn't Write. While I'm proud of myself for the number of books I've managed to cram into my brain and take notes on this past year, I am disappointed that I didn't do more writing alongside it. My writing goals were twofold: 1.) Write book evaluations and articles based on the various texts I've consumed, and 2.) Start penning and releasing my own PDFs of Dungeons & Dragons adventures, given my extensive Dungeon Master experience. Out of the dozen or so books I read this year, and despite taking pages of notes on them, I regrettably have only posted one review. Even more disheartening is the fact that I have yet to compile my adventure notes into anything that looks remotely similar to a PDF release. Both of these objectives I plan on retooling and tackling in 2022.
The Principle of Earth
I Took Things Personally. Despite my above paragraph a few scrolls up detailing my own personal revelation when it comes to responsibility and the reflection of self that one's actions represent... I did not always treat myself kindly when on the receiving end of unfair or undo treatment. As opposed to taking a step back from the situation and objectively seeing that any untoward act that a person takes in my direction is merely a projection of their own life experience and has far more to do with them than it does me... there were still plenty of sleepless nights I spent wondering where I went wrong, what I could have done differently, or what was "broken" or "bad" about me that earned me my affliction of certain hurtful behaviors (even when deep down I knew I didn't deserve it). Moving forward into 2022, I endeavor to keep a keener sense of accountability in mind not only for myself but in the people around me and the company I keep.
I Had Weak Boundaries. There were many moments this past year where I realized all-too-late that I was lenient and lax in scenarios where I was well within my right to stand firm and hold my ground. I allowed my sentimentality to cloud my judgment and, in doing so, gave others the opportunity to not give me the respect or mutuality I knew I was warranted and long overdue for. In the year to come, I am committing to honor myself before being quick to bend for others, as I learned first-hand that that level of surrender and cooperation is not always reciprocated in kind.
The Principle of Water
I Did Not Express My Feelings. Relating directly to my prior point, I did not always openly voice my concerns, make plain my desires, or reveal the state of my emotions for fear that if I did, I would somehow jeopardize or forfeit the connection I found and lose what I had invested so much in. Hindsight being 20/20 (2022...?), I know now that if you are at risk of losing someone or something because your feelings cannot be honored or attended to in that situation, then it's something that might need to re-evaluate keeping or fighting for. The things and people that are meant to stick around will hear you, will acknowledge you, and work with you so that you may co-exist peacefully and to the benefit of all.
I Made Hella Assumptions. Remember when I mentioned that overactive imagination of mine and the sleepless nights I spent wondering what went wrong? Oh yeah. Those two things are a nasty combination. Like Russel Crowe in A Beautiful Mind or Charlie Day in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, there was a large swath of time where my mind was a veritable pin-board of "clues" and "evidence" bound together by loose lines of thread... fabricating a myriad number of ways in which I could feasibly track down the source of my emotional betrayal to its epicenter. All flights of fantasy, delusion, and assumption. Nothing in life is worth this level of mental gymnastics... no matter how bad it hurt you. You'll only serve to wound your heart more, and worse yet, you still won't have answers at the end of the day.
The Principle of Fire
I Did Not Always Do My Best. One thing about me is that I am a procrastinator with a big, fat, capital "P." I have a nasty habit of putting things off, waiting to the last moment, losing track of time, forgetting altogether... or otherwise not setting a proper order of priority. I don't think it should come as a shock to anyone that my 2021 Annual Review was supposed to debut at the end of December at best and, at worst, in January. We are now in March. This level of inconsistency and lack of forward momentum is not at all what I'd consider "My Best" and is something I definitely will address in the New Year, even if it means cutting back some goals and setting more realistic deadlines for others.
The Principle of Spirit
I Was Not Always Present. Another book I cracked into in 2021 was The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. In it, Tolle speaks at length about the importance of the Present moment and how, in all reality, it is genuinely the only moment in time we have or are promised. The Past has already happened, and the future (at least how we perceive it) is not guaranteed. We as human beings spend so much time torturing ourselves over what has already come and gone and paralyze ourselves out of fear over what may come to pass. I myself have a tendency to do both of these things, despite all my various readings and mental exercises. I no longer wish to live in a self-contained prison of thought. I no longer wish to be bound to things that are behind me nor burdened by my projections of what lies before me. A big goal of 2022 is to release the Past, stop concocting innumerable Futures, and be more at one with myself in the Present.
Okay, I've rambled on long enough now. I've been sitting on this document for months, and I have a friend's show to catch in about an hour. So for this last section, I'm going to be short and sweet...
> What Am I Working Toward?
Get Projects off the Ground. The book blog, Dungeons & Dragons writing, auditioning, my Twitch Stream... these are all things that have sat on the backburner for far too long. I have the tools I need to get them going (or at the very least, I'll figure them out along the way). I mustn't let my perfectionism get in the way of my progress. This year, I'll have things to show for all my preparatory work.
Rebalance the Budget. I'm going to be paying upwards of 3 times the amount of rent I pay now for this one bedroom. This means my current allocation of funds towards not only living expenses but things like my long-term Student Debt will need to be adjusted accordingly. Achieving financial freedom in my lifetime is a long-term goal for me, and setting myself up for success despite the higher monthly costs is pertinent to that task.
Explore the City. New York City has remained a mystery to me for far too long, despite my many years within its territory. One of my plans in this realm pertains to seeing more theatre. I've been in the city for nearly a decade and can count on one hand the number of shows I've seen in bonafide theatrical spaces on one hand. I tried crunching the numbers for the average amount of, say, Broadway shows the average New Yorker sees a year... but that data was hard to come by in any useable way. However, I did learn that your average person goes to the movies about 3 times a year. If I use that number as a starting point and say that I aim to match the number of shows I should have seen while living here thus far, that would make 3 shows a year x 8 years, equaling 24. I'm currently sitting at 5. I'll let you know by the end of the year if that number has gone up (spoiler alert, it will).
Alright, that's it. I gotta go fix my hair so I can go look cute at the bar. I hope everyone got something worthwhile out of reading this... if not just to learn a little more about me and what matters to me in life, but maybe inspire you to start considering your own values and where and what you'd like to put your energy toward in 2022. If you liked what you read and want to get in on these developments alongside me, shoot me an email, and let's work together! Collaborators are always welcome.